Life - Wayne Micheal Cosby

I'm now at Bell Bay National Forest camping on the National Forest in northern Idaho.  It's a good drive from Spokane Valley on I90, however there is a good 20 miles of two lane twisty road along Lake Coeur d' Alene lake on the Harrison Slough with last last 2 or 3 miles on well maintained dirt road.

7/9/2020 -

 Columbia River Gorge

 Wild Horse Momument

 Columbia River Gorge

 Camping Yakima River

Sunset Ellensburg WA

5/3/2020 - Until I out loud talk about my hidden hurtful intimate history, this history can-not become the keys to open doors in the present and the future. My past becomes less  autobiographical, and becomes more of a reference to learn from and I become less of a slave to it. Learning from radically different sources alters our thinking, thereby offering up change.  The next moment is determined by preceding thoughts.

4/29/2020 - the goldfinch symbolizes happiness and prosperity; and joy and positive energy. Without discipline being asserted within, enslavement occurs.  Whenever feelings of not-enough appear, jealousy appears all too often: attitude of gratitude.

4/25/2020 - I’m tempted to waffle the truth from time to time; it just seems (ego) easier than honest and humble intent.  Waffling, in my personhood, is more often avoidance of an uncomfortable truth.  I do have the choice to waver, or not; gentle, direct honesty with myself allows me to be free, unchained to my past and gives me the ‘freedom’ to love unconditionally.

4/24/2020 - Abandonment and being a non-alcoholic alcoholic is a lonely, even when surrounded by those that profess love for me. I often sought, and still seek at times, emotional security (for me

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity. Roots of reality, supplanting the underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us.  Today the number 3,  my 3 youngest siblings, sister, were taken when we were all put up for adoption.  Today, for the first time I believe I understand – 3 lost sister, there is a hole in me, and this is at least part of the hole, if not all.  Later in the day, four deer ran past where I was parked, heading west, all four directions.  The meanings of Number 4 are stability, order and completion of justice; earth and all living things. The number 4 is also of the square; building a strong foundation. Of the four cardinal directions: West, in Lakota Tradition the represents the end of life. The Thunderbird lives here and provides rain; nothing lives without rain. This is a vital necessity to all living things (Black).

Deer also is tenderness, tempered strength used to overcome obstacles. Deer also comes as a playmate for our inner child. Deer reminds us of innocent times, where small things and gestures provided a smile and excitement.  Deer also means to be gentle, yet determined

Deer means change requires leaving negative patterns; seeking protection in different surroundings and with different perspectives; regeneration. Deer Spirit Animal

When Deer jumps in as your Spirit Animal, She acts as a reminder of the power of love and compassion. Perhaps there is a situation in your life to which you’ve become apathetic or perceive in a negative light. The challenge here is not to wallow in those unhealthy feelings. It’s time to let Deer energy help you let go and embrace kindness.  Remain diligent and aware for opportunities.

4/19/2020 – yesterday the water pump stopped sucking water…so I spent hours trying to figure out what the problem is, because I haven’t figured it out yet.  Learned a lot about how the water piping, etc. in the RV…last time it was the electrical system…so today I have some new thoughts…will start from the beginning and see what I can find.  Found problem later this AM, the switches on the water control board leak.  Destiny is your behavior(s), which becomes your character.  ‘If you don’t try something tougher than you’ve already done, how you gona’ grow.’

4/18/2020 – you don’t have to live war to be at war. Saw a bald eagle today flying North with something in its talons.  Eagle represents many things; being a spirit talker, believe and trust in yourself to fill the hunger of empty spaces within (fear of and having been abandoned).  Flying North represents a time of death, letting go of the negative; eagle also represents spring, of life growing; focus and determination. Additionally, Eagle as a Spirit Animal says, “look forward.” Don’t give up on your quest, but embark on it with uprightness in your soul. To accomplish this, you have to be ready to stop outmoded habits or ideas to embrace something new and wonderful.


4/16/2020 - open-minded ways of thinking create accepting unique viewpoints and a compassion that helps improve relationships. An open mind is an open heart.

Anger, resentments, self-pity, righteousness and lack of humility are dubious luxuries; only those that are not self-responsible can afford them. 

4/15/2020 – woke up okay, right hearing aid didn’t charge, have been having difficulties with it for some time now…called VA, said they will relay info to manufacturer, waiting for a phone call…feeling defeated today, like I just what to leave, get on the road to the west…told Alex I was out of the property due to illness issues, which is partially true, I don’t desire to return to Taiwan, even when I don’t belong where I’m at now.  Will start search for my daughter…making amends isn’t easy. What people are most afraid of is what they don’t understand, which leads to reliance on their assumptions.

4/14/2020 - Whenever it’s bleak I attempt to write a list of positive things in my life; food, shelter, clothing, etc…when I have them, and be grateful…the dark side, Vader is waiting.  In bleakness it is easy to gloss over the harm I have done, and jump into self-pity, blaming, grudge carrying and resentments peeking out from the shadows; none of which leads to caring and loving myself.

Horoscope said this AM that there would be emotional issues of importance to arrive, forgetfulness.  It’s not chocolate that I’m after…food will not solve this…acceptance, gratitude, and what part did/do I play in this.

Where blame/grudges are involved, insanity arrives.  Blame often expressed as a grudge enslaves me, pick-pocketing me of freedom of choice. To see how erratic emotions victimized me often took a long time. I could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in myself. First of all, I had to admit that I had many of these feelings, even though such disclosures were painful and humiliating. Where other people were concerned, I had to drop the word "blame" from my speech and thought.  This type of blame and grudge holding contains my predispositions to ‘hold’ others accountable for me not having what I want, starting with my father and mother.  It is only when I accept what happed as a was, a has been, and accept my part; that I can start to dissolve the enslaving blame and grudges, and be alive in the present.

4/10/2020 - There are times that I notice feelings that previously were overlooked, today this involves a small twinge of distrust felt when dealing with another person; open up, minimally to yourself: have a heart-to-heart reflective discussion with yourself and others if you so desire and create an arrangement for giving yourself permission to change.  Do this without seeking praise or recognition and a junk of self-enslavement will dissolve; thereby finding myself a being a kinder, slower to anger and more loving. Sooner or later everybody knows everything…even when they say they don’t.

Did you know sea otters have the thickest fur of any mammal - up to a million hairs per square inch!

On Hwy US 35 to Hwy 50 and Ohio Hwy 7 into the mountains…small farms, robins, red-winged black birds, and cardinals along the way.  At a rest stop and a bus driver says ‘thank you for your service, welcome home,’ I say, ‘and yours too.’  The sincerity in his voice, brings tears…this has happened several times since I’ve been in the states; it’s the realness in the voices that cause this.  Oh what a gift, grateful. Still on Ohio Hwy 7 following part of the Ohio River’s 981 length. It is the third largest river by discharge volume in the United States and the largest tributary by volume of the north-south flowing Mississippi River that divides the eastern from western United States.

Really windy…shake rattle and roll…from the high 60’s and sunny to the low 30’s and windy, snowy and rainy.  VFW Marietta, Ohio.

4/9/2020 – Interruptions in routines may cause an unusual amount of discomfort, here’s the bright side, interruptions offer a unique perspective on what has been subconsciously prioritize. Embrace change with a rhythm that provides an opportunity to change, not necessarily fight for the status quo. This perspective allows for any of the 256 effective ways to wash dishes to be chosen. Release from self-enslaving thoughts/believes/behaviors. In my experience, these self-enslaving thoughts/believes/behaviors are often identified as self-will and self-indulgence, usually lurking in the darkness, waiting to reappear.

Today traveled from Chillicothe, Ohio to Marietta Ohio on the little muddy, Ohio River.  On a side road next to the river a Great Blue Heron appeared, in flight from the trees, what a gift…Northwest aboriginals see the Heron as a sign of luck (laboring under correct knowledge) for gathering subsistence…however the Heron is also often viewed as a loner, except during mating…the flip side is to be wary of vanity and a weakness for flattery (both of which have led me astray).

4/8/2020 – Checking for fears that may be holding me back from creating the exact reality I desire is monumental task, yet doable one step at a time. Noting a nudge toward making financial dreams a reality sometimes requires luck (Laboring Under Correct Knowledge) and may not be a magical savior. It’s up to me to allow my dreams to inundate or inspire. To make any moves, necessitates a practice (behaviors) that uplifts you and is sustainable. One practice is ease into sleep with a focus on how I want to be in the world. Another habit is to find how, when and where my desires have resulted in a warped outcome and accepting my role in this result. This can lead to corrective movement. A third approach is to discover the believes/values/behaviors that enslave me…self-enslavement is a killer of dreams and a fear creator.  A final suggestion is to appreciate what is and freely express thanks and gratitude.  These four tactics can lead to facing the self-fear that resides in us all.

Drove from Vandalia Ohio to Chillicothe Ohio, the first capital of Ohio today…places to stay are few and far between because of the Covad19 shut down, so called VFW Post 108, talked with the Commander, and was granted a place to stay the night…showed off solar panels, extra water tank and batteries…the post provided dinner…turns out the commander is the local VSO also…thanks and gratitude.

4/7/2020 – spent the day putting the spare water tank, holds 46 gallons, but only have about 40 or so in it, it works fine after a few trips to Lowe’s hardware to get parts and ending up changing the tubing because I didn’t find the necessary 5/8 to ¾ inch connectors, so bought new hose and used ½ to ¾ inch connectors.  Meeting on Monday only 5 people, learned about Lois the wife of Bill starting Al-anon, and found myself not relating to much of the discussion, however, the idea of grieving a loss that was a good thing to lose made you (me) a better person to have lost the attitude/belief/behavior etc. was novel.  I reflected on this grieving a negative loss for the rest of the evening.  Helps me understand why some negative attitudes, believes, behaviors return in an explosion.

4/6/2020 - People often say “I have no choice,” when in fact it is the life they have chosen that makes the choice.  “It’s not until we are lost that we begin to understand ourselves,” a quote from somewhere.

Escapist tendencies - this is ringing in my head. For me, living is a lifetime process of recovery from unruly emotions, painful relationships, and unmanageable situations. This process is too much for most of us without help from a Higher Power, fellowship and friends. In time the most broken places of my life straightened out. One day at a time, almost imperceptibly, I healed. Like a thermostat being turned down, my fears diminished. I began to experience moments of contentment. My emotions became less volatile. I continue to be in process, not perfection.

 4/5/2020 – Woke up this AM feeling off, impatient, waiting for coffee…it’s now 1124 hours and have had difficulties getting internet at normal places, and none in Springfield Ohio, a rather large city…I’m beginning to wonder about T-mobiles capabilities for unlimited data links…will check out other alternatives on the net today.  Still having anger about being around animal eaters and their; it seems to me, total disregard for the animals, and animal products, they eat.  I’ve eaten some cow milk in processed products in the past few weeks, reminding me that I’m a work in progress, not perfection…however, it is easier to be lead away from vegan values when I’m around animal consumers.  Reminds me of an episode of Star Trek when Spock eats ‘flesh,’ Vulcans being vegans.  Horoscope today – “Your attention is being drawn to the ways your habits and routines could work harder to fulfill your emotional needs. Consider what’s most important to you and find ways to treat those values as the most precious resources in your everyday life. Working toward goals that motivate you on a deeper level should be central to your work, and today offers an understanding of the steps you can take to align your life with your morals and emotional needs. Unifying your inner and outer selves brings a kind of harmony you may not have known was possible.” This pretty much nailed the way this morning has started by calling forth the way I’m structuring my life and dealing with my beliefs and values.  AA – I don’t recall seeking to be one in a family, I have, however, sought to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. I’ve tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior, for me, stems from abandonment and loss in my early childhood resulting in a lack of trust in people, which, lead to a warped understanding of people-hood.

4/4/2020 – This AM in by a dam on the Miami River in Englewood, Ohio. The battery power is very low on RV. Vacillating between feeling totally invisible and believing I am the center of the universe I search for that elusive balance between the two, balance & serenity. The moon that I look at is, in reality, rarely full; it shows instead its many other phases, and there are lessons in them all. True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, as the light grows stronger my vision is clearer.  I told myself that I would start writing this blog on the 1^st of April, 2020…here it is the 4^th and I’m starting, not because I’m busy, rather, I’m am a little afraid to share.  Who wants to know my thoughts, believes and values; and how it is I attempt to live, to act upon those very thoughts, believes and values.  I decided it doesn’t matter; the essence of mattering is in sharing, for sharing may help others, and in helping other (being of service) I have an opportunity to become the person that my values, believes and thoughts direct me toward.  Having lived in the semi-tropics for 22 years, my body isn’t uses to mornings in the 30’s and low 40’s.

4/3/2020 – I had spasms in left leg in the early bed time last night.  I have a left leg that is 2 centimeters shorter than the right leg, caused by left leg being broken while in the USF and set incorrectly; consequently whenever I stand, walk, and/or lay down, or just about anything not enough or too much, the spasms appear, a gift that keeps on reminding me to be aware of the ways I use my body.  Thinking about my lived life today, I wonder what I had to do with all the different matters. When I simply accept that I had a part in them, I am able to put these matters on paper and see them for what they were - humanness. I am not expected to be perfect, or am I! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them - and myself - and those with whom I have had differences; from there, serenity is just a short distance ahead. I have been living in Taiwan for 22 years, and almost yearly return to the USA to visit family.  My sister went into hospital on the 26^th of Dec. 2019 and came very close to dying, so I’ve been in the USA since Dec. 31, 2019.  I was planning on returning to the USA on more permanent bases later in 2020, her illness resulted in this move occurring sooner. She has recovered to her old self.  She isn’t to drive because of medical reason and she enjoys shopping.  She lives with her daughter’s family, and does the majority of the shopping and food preparations because her daughter and husband work full time. My sister wanted someone to take her shopping so said I would if she wouldn’t buy junk food, not good for her.  She reluctantly agreed.  She changed her mind, decided to drive herself because she hasn’t had any problems for over a month…no one disagreed.  Not a smart move on my part.  What I realized several hours later, for me, being a vegan, I am overwhelmed with the animal products being purchased and consumed as well as junk food…don’t want to support that life style anymore…so ironically (rebellion) I bought a cinnamon roll and coffee…way off base with that purchase…went for a short 2.5 mile bike ride on a paved trail…reflected back to being on same on bike rides.  Kept the 110 power on most of the day, made black beans in a small crock pot during that time, about 6 hours, seems to be no negative effects.  The palace I thought I’d park is closed, over by the Miami Bike trail not far from Vandalia, Ohio.  Now I’m just outside Englewood Reserve, eating beans and typing & reflecting.

4/2/2020 – need for approval and the willingness to do anything to get approval…approval is okay, however, getting bent out of shape to get approval isn’t.  So today, my nephew, mostly, and niece’s husband somewhat, and I put on the solar panels, seems to be working well; during the process I bought roof sealing tape, nuts, washers and bolts, for a total of $90.00…I was tired and over the top with the money, running around, etc…we had a difficult time figuring out how to connect the four panels, we did however.  I got caught up in a panic because the RV roof isn’t very solid, so my nephew suggested to drill holes through to the inside of the RV and put in 4 inch bolts and large washers to stabilize…I didn’t take the time to reflect on this. Had pretty severe left leg spasms and cramps in the evening from all the activity…thought, hoping, over this, not so…

4/1/2020 - To resolve ambivalent feelings, I need to feel a strong and helpful sense of myself. Such awareness doesn't happen overnight, and no one's self-awareness is permanent. Everyone has the capacity for growth, and for self-awareness, through an honest encounter with reality. When I don't avoid issues but meet them directly, always trying to re-solve them, they become fewer and fewer.  So today have done laundry in the RV, can only do small loads compared to a house washer…it’s working.  How to use my life; for me talked about acceptance, ‘I ain’t ever had acceptance, never,’ the child in me speaking…acceptance allows me to love, be, do everything else…when I was young, hungry, parentless (emotional/and physically with my mother & father), living without for the most part, acceptance just wasn’t part of life…maybe that is way elementary school teachers wrote that I was a smart student, but was in fights all the time.